I would like to take this time to warn everybody that there is going to be a lot of CAPS LOCK and grammar flying right out of the gogdamn window. These two chapters made me FLIP THE FUCK OUT. I still has no words at this point. Kind of… Just. Yeah. Okay. Let the reading? begin!
PRISONERS OF LOVE
OH MAN. FINN AND JAKE JUST KNOCKED OUT A SNOW MONSTER’S HEAD WHILE SLEDDING AND NOW THERE’S A CREEPY ASS TONGUE FLICKING OUT. I swear that could give a kid nightmares if it wasn’t depicted in such a funny way. Still sent some jitters through me though. But maybe it’s because I just don’t like TONGUES protruding out of DECAPITATED SNOW MONSTERS’ NECKS. DON’T JUDGE ME, OK? IT’S FREAKY. As you can probably tell, I’m not someone who does well with horror. Not that any of this was genuinely scary. WHAT THE HECK. NYAN CAT. THE SNOW MONSTER TURNED INTO NYAN CAT. THAT IS ADORABLE. I’LL EVEN EXCUSE THE GODDAMN TONGUE BECAUSE IT MEWED.
Did Jake just turn into a sleigh? I think he did. Yes, he did. This is the benefit of having a RUBBER dog. That’s right. The rubber theory again. I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE HAS TO SAY. HE IS MADE OF RUBBER, PEOPLE. DEAL WITH IT. Oh! Look at the penguins. There are so many. Aren’t they like the minions of the Ice King or something? Just a thought. OKAY WHY DO THEY KEEP SWITCHING PLACES WITH EACH OTHER? WHY AM I EVEN ASKING THIS? IT’S BECAUSE IT IS CONVENIENT AND FUN, LAWS. DON’T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS. I’m yelling at myself. I need to stop. And, when I mean stop, it means now. Right now. Alright. MOVING ON. OH YAY! IT’S THE ICE KING!!! HE FINALLY SHOWS UP IN THIS EPISODE. I’m not really that far into it yet, but it’s still great to see the old guy again.
Finn: Yeah! There’s a big sleeping lava man in our front yard and he is SO hot.
Jake: Mmhmm.
Finn: Wait, wait, no, I didn’t, I-I mean, not like sexy hot.
Jake: No. No, you do mean sexy hot.
I just want to say I really enjoy these two together. This snippet of conversation they had with each other was so amusing. Jake is awesome, by the way. He is awesomesauce. I can’t say he is on the same level of affinity as Starchy and the Ice King for me, but he’s definitely my favorite between him and Finn. Can’t say I like Finn very much. My mindset might change. For now though, he’s… tolerable at best. Something about his personality kind of grates on my nerves.
OH THAT IS SUCH A CUTE LITTLE SNOW MONSTER. It’s so TINY. I could pick it up and put it in my pocket. NO, JAKE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LEAVE IT ALONE. R.I.P. MINI SNOW MONSTER. R.I.P. And then the Ice King froze them both up. HEY, FINN. WHY DON’T YOU TRY TO BREAK OUT BY BELIEVING IN YOURSELF? IT SURE WORKED FOR YOU LAST TIME. Wow. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PRINCESSES LOCKED UP? Oh. Right. Because the Ice King happens to COLLECT THEM. I doubt it’s honestly creepier than what I collect. Do you know those machines where you put quarters in? Well, I like to purchase the voodoo doll charms from them. I have so many in my room. Stuffed them all in a bag. I’ve actually tried attaching them to my cell but the string always ends up breaking eventually. My fault, really. I like to sit on my phone a lot since I stuff it into my back pocket. If you do that too much, apparently it’ll detach your charms. I don’t think I’ll stop ruining my voodoo dolls that way though. I can’t help hooking them up onto my cell. When I first started buying them, I had literally three voodoo dolls chained up together in a little bundle. It was great. Unfortunately, the one that was holding all of them together broke loose from my phone and I decided to just do single charms afterward (even though I haven’t managed to follow through with it yet).
I love how LSP has no shits to give. She’s just hovering over there with her arms crossed looking like she couldn’t care less. Annnnd, alright, that was a horrible attempt at saving everyone, Finn. That flute broke before it even went past the bars. You could have thought it through a little bit better. Wait. What. Did Jake say it was used to I don’t even oh shit the Ice King has very feminine legs. I MEAN, THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, OKAY? STOP JUDGING ME. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT KEY COME FROM, JAKE? WHAT IS HAPPENING. OH GOD FINN IS MAD. HIS FACE IS ALL RED AND HIS EYES WHAT ARE HIS EYES DOING. I LOVE YOU FOR THIS, ICE KING. My grammar farted. I apologize. Actually, I apologize for the imagery of grammar letting out gas too. That was uncalled for.
Please just play the piano, Berry Princess. Press the keys already. It’s not like it’ll kill you. HOSHIT THE ICE KING’S DRUM SAYS #1 BABE. THAT IS FANTASTIC AND FINN’S FACE IS SO RETARDED-LOOKING WHEN HE’S THINKING. That is ONE ugly contemplative expression, man. Might I say, that is some sucky playing too, Monsieur Ice King. Have some mercy and stop please. You should never ever form a band. It seems none of these princesses know how to work the instruments either. HAVEN’T THEY TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING BACK AT HOME?
I LOVE LSP. That was a random burst of “new favorite character to add to the list of Starchy and the Ice King”. OH WOW FINN. HE REALLY MANAGED TO KNOCK THE OLD GUY DOWN. THAT WAS A GOOD PUNCH. I MEAN, POOR ICE KING BUT WHAT THE HELL HE LOOKS LIKE MOSES IN THE SKY WITHOUT HIS OUTFIT AND WHY IS THERE A RANDOM OWL. IT CALLED HIM A SOCIOPATH. THAT IS BRILLIANT. OH LOOK PENGUINS. I WANT ONE. I WANT THE TINY PENGUIN ON THE LEFT. There is no structure to my writing anymore, guise. /gives up on life forever orz
Sooo, the Slime Princess wants to marry Finn. Awkward. Too bad he likes the Bubblegum Princess, m’right? WHAT. PEE HIS PANTS ALL THE TIME??? IS THAT TRUE OR DID YOU MAKE IT UP ON THE SPOT. I BET IT’S THE TRUTH. I sound so immature right now. What is this show doing to me. BUT THAT WAS A REAL SMOOTH MOVE, JAKE. If my friends ever ask me to help them throw off a crusher, I know what to do now. Thanks, bro.
TREE TRUNKS
THAT IS ONE UGLY ELEPHANT. I’d probably like her more if she made pumpkin pies instead of apple. Hate apples. Hate, hate, HATE apples. Well, I do like drinking apple juice and eating apple candies, but literally nomming on that shit? AHAHAHAHAHA. No. Practically everybody knows I have a strong dislike for that godawful fruit. Don’t ask me why. I just do. Wow. What a waste of a perfectly good pie. She kind of creeps me out. CARVE HIS FACE ON THE MOON SO IT’LL LOOK LIKE HIS FACE SAY WHUT. OH JAKE, YOU. THAT IS PRECIOUS.
Apple of apples. They are talking about the apple of all apples. I don’t know how I feel about this And of course it’s in an evil forest. It’s always in an evil forest. Huh. She’s actually a pretty adorkable little old elephant. Tree Trunks, I think you’ve won my heart. OKAY. STOP HUMPING THE FLOOR WITH YOUR ASS, JAKE OH MY GOD THERE IS AN EYE ON THE FLOOR THERE IS A GODDAMN EYE ON THE FUCKING FLOOR. THAT IS. HOLY FUCK. THAT IS SO GROSS. A WALL OF FLESH. SHIT. YEAH. ALRIGHT. STICKERS? No. Just NO. You should be RUNNING AWAY. STOP PUTTING STICKERS ON THAT THING ALREADY AND RUN AWAY, TREE TRUNKS. NO. NO NO NO. DON’T EAT HER.
That is the strangest butterfly in the world. I WANT ONE. It has a skeleton head and a TINY SWORD. WILL YOU TWO STOP CONVERSING WITH EACH OTHER? CAN’T YOU SEE SHE’S GONE ALREADY? YEAH. RIGHT. EVERYTHING’S FINE WHEN YOU JUST COMPLETELY LOST HER. Oh god. Tree Trunks is so clueless. I love it. WAIT DID JAKE’S LEGS JUST TURNED INTO SCISSORS? That is PRETTY COOL RIGHT THERE. Hey, Finn is getting beaten up, Jake. You should do something about it, and oh you just did. Wrapped yourself around them like a giant blanket and rolled aw— OH WOW FINN GOT SO JACKED UP. THAT PLEASES ME FOR SOME REASON. I know, I’m a horrible person.
WHAT IS THAT. WHAT IS THAT MAGENTA BRAIN TENTACLE MONSTER THING??? WHAT THE HELL. SHE’S GOING TO TRY SEDUCING IT WITH HER WOMANLY CHARMS. WHAT WOMANLY CHARMS??? You’re a bit delusional on that forefront, Tree Trunks. No offense. Oh, hey, you found the crystal gem apple though. That was way too easy. Can’t believe Finn and Jake let her just walk away from them in the middle of an EVIL FOREST. But at least she’s finally found what she was searching for. oh jeegus. The Crystal Guardian can imitate people. That is tight. NICE ONE, FINN. YES, ATTACK IT WITH YOUR FIST. YOU’RE TOTES NOT GOING TO GET HURT. Did I ever mention how much I want those butterflies? They’re straight out adorkable with their little instruments. I could watch them all day WITH MY POCKET SNOW MONSTER. BY GOG JAKE AND FINN YOUR MAKE UP IS HORRIBLE YOU LOOK LIKE ZOMBIES. NO. WAIT WHAT. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING. TREE TRUNKS EXPLODED. WHAT IS GOING ON. WHAT. NO. YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT. YOU CAN’T JUST END THERE. THAT IS NOT COOL. NO. NO NO NO NO. SHE NEEDS TO COME BACK LIKE HOW STARCHY RETURNED IN “SLUMBER PARTY PANIC”. THIS IS BULLSHIT. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS AT ALL. COME BACK TO US, TREE TRUNKS.
I need to go sit down outside in the sun and sulk now. Excuse me, people. My heart has been broken.
R.I.P. Tree Trunks.